The December Dust Falls Upon Me

It's only the third of December, but I think I am so loving this month. I've got me some {offline} activities lined up and the Lord has poured upon me online blessings, which I am very much grateful of. I realized that I don't want to lose the day job, I just want to make it big(ger) in my online career. Also, I am beginning to try out new things and explore the city, with friends or even alone. And, the once awkward event of meeting new people now actually entices me.


Now, I can finally say to myself that I have a life. Outside work. And that I actually do talk now. To other people rather than myself.

For the past years, I have been tamed, which was also kind of a good thing. People always think that I'm the perfect daughter who can't break a plate or kill a mosquito. I was that helpless dame who was always provided with everything that she needs. An authoritative person once mentioned, "Some of you may have the looks of an angel, but yadda yadda yadda." When he said that, I was pretty sure it was me. I looked him in the eyes to make him know that I know who he meant. I could've smirked, too. I enjoyed that moment. For once, praise words were not the words that were thrown to me. Hah. Note this down.
And if, I may add. Nmber six. How she acts at work.

Now, I want to give in to my spontaneous self. I want to live the life. I am soon going to have my silver birthday and it dawned on me that there's only a few good ahhhh-rollercoastery rides that I had had in my life. I am soon going to grown old, so I am changing some traditions in here. I want to have fun. I want to do the things that I want to do.

I am thankful for the enacting forces, which may include people, that/who have caused my brain and heart to change its usual, boring course. Sometimes, people who bug you with life questions can actually be like trucks that would hit your head. You may find them annoying and nosy, but you would have to thank them afterwards for forcing you to assess your life. After the irritation has ceased, you would be slowly drifting to self-retreat 101. You'd finally think...

  • Why can't I answer their simple questions when you know very well that you should?
  • Am I actually feeling this or is this feeling something that I myself have programmed for me to feel?
  • Am I really happy?
You may have other reflections, but the adjoining moment after these I-don't-know moments is the important  and magical one. If you want it or not, believe me, you will actually want to find the certainty that you want, that you need. 

You are going to ask yourself, "What do I want?" And, bang*. 

You'll see the light. After days and weeks or even years of passively living your life, you'll do something drastic. You'll give in. To yourself. To your true self. To what you want. To what you need. 

And, you just simply realize that you're happier. Deep inside. Happy happy, not the fake happy. And from then, you're going to shine. You're going to take charge of your life because you're the one living it. And your happiness, no longer depend on someone else. You have it in you. This time, you have the total freedom to choose to be happy. And it's easy for you to be happy. 

Now, happiness has become your way of life. 

__________________________________ I just need to include these. Inserting them into some parts of the post would destroy its fluidity, so I'll just cram them all in here. :}

In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

-Albert Schweitzer

But it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.-American Beauty

If you are alone you belong entirely to yourself. If you are accompanied by even one companion you belong only half to yourself or even less in proportion to the thoughtlessness of his conduct and if you have more than one companion you will fall more deeply into the same plight.-Leonardo da Vinci

Post Script. For now, I would want to avoid that said plight. I want to belong entirely to myself. :}

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